You probably opened this post to understand what the madness in the title is about. You’re thinking to yourself “Err shouldn’t it be the other way round? Like great health benefits and all?”
Well, let’s just say I deduced these shocking, damaging side effects of bomb ass s3x, from the secrets of 3 of my 8 best friends that I am about to shamelessly share with you.
Let’s also say I will be left with only 5 best friends if they ever find out I sent this in.
- Unhealthy Comparisons
What’s really worse than a playback of euphoric memories made with a fvckgirl ( duh opposite of fvckboy) while you are “at it” with your Godsent wife-to-be in 3 weeks?
Moral watchers be like…
Don’t even get it twisted. He is definitely going on to live happily ever after with his adorable fiancee but every time he gushes about her, we always reach that part where it is almost like he wishes she could be his fvckgirl ex in the sheets. I mean, I am the only one he probably shares this with because I was witness to all the times his ex behaved badly and got away with a tasteless “I’m sorry” and her top-notch groin skills (or so I heard. Actually, I did “hear”?).
- Irrational Behaviour
There will be enough time for you to judge my friends and I but can you at least finish reading? Lmao. So one of them was shipped off to Kaduna for her NYSC when she met this guy. I still remember her exact words on the phone the day he gave her the 2 biggest shocks of her life. “Who did I offend ehn? How do I finally meet the one and he is 4 years younger? How?”
I had never heard my friend cry as profusely over a man. Ever.
The first pleasant shock was his “strange language evoking” D game (even the details gave me chills) and the second not so pleasant one, his age. Though he acted nothing like it and was so perfect, it still didn’t change her painful reality. Most likely wont be a deal breaker for some but knowing the home my friend is from, let’s just say she will be as good as dead if her parents ever find out. Anyway, as I write, my friend is still in Kaduna many months after her service, telling lies after lies to her folks just so she can maximize this terminal fairytale with her sugarboy.
- Loss of Focus
The last one of the expository pack is hands down the most useless of my friends ?. So this one’s super ripped colleague at work whispered in her ears 3 weeks ago:” I will give you the best s3x of your life…” I have seen this colleague of hers and to be honest if he said the same to me, I’d be moved for say 28 seconds (because I do not conform to the things of the world lmao)
On a more serious note, my friend is about to run mad. she swore off office romance after a bad experience at her former work place but every time she sees this dude, his words reverb in her ear and now she is a hilarious hot mess. She cannot concentrate on her work when he is in close proximity, she has taken like 3 days off work to cool off her flaming ovaries plus she cannot go to HR and claim harassment because she feels quite the opposite of that… Let’s just say my friend is super screwed without having been touched yet.
- Spike in Body Count
Now this is really nobody’s secret but it is only logical. Let’s assume you thoroughly enjoy steamy sessions with a person who is not your legal partner and all of a sudden things go south. Chances are, the “steamy” part will make it to your top 5 “things to look out for in my next bae” list. God forbid that next bae doesn’t meet up to your carnal needs…and then the next one…and the one after that…I’m sure you know how this story actually ends.
It is in this light that I agree with the whole “no sex before marriage” thingy but then there’s the fear of stepping into an eternity of sexual incompatibility and it is all just a mind boggling cycle of madness. And oh, if you are married, having great sex and going about your regular life without distractions, you my dear, are in the holy grail zone.
That’s all folks! You can now get back to your regular scheduled programming of judging.?